Monday, December 7, 2009

18 days!

Yes, I know I didn't post yesterday. I miscounted. :) Today is 18 days until Christmas, for real.

Let's get past that...

...and move on to the fact that here in central Illinois we all experienced something this morning. The first snowfall. Waking up this morning to the winter wonderland took me to a place I wasn't expecting. Took me back to a snowy night...

Two Winters ago, I was living in Bloomington, IL. (maybe I lived in Normal. I lived right on the line between the two and can never remember which one I actually lived in...anyways...) It was a weeknight, and Bryan was coming over for dinner and to hang out, as he normally did. This night I actually think that we went out to dinner (a rare and nice occasion for us). This was one of the first days of snow*. It had been cold and winter for a while, but no snow. That is until this night.

* For those unaware, I am not a huge snow fan. Really, it's not so much the snow, I think snow is pretty. I think it can be fun, but only if I'm prepared. It's that snow is wet, and there is nothing more bothersome than being wet when you weren't prepared to be wet. I just don't like it. And the cold doesn't make it any better.

(Moving on...)

So, we are walking up to my apartment and before I know what hit me (something that kinda felt like a mac truck) I was face down in the snow. Nope, I didn't trip. No, I didn't get hit by a mac truck. I got hit by Bryan. There he is, laughing it up like we just got done riding the best roller coaster of our lives. He is pushing me around, covering me in snow, thoroughly enjoying every second like a giddy school kid at recess. He looked at me and his expression changed. He noticed I wasn't playing along. He notice that the look on my face was not one of enjoyment, but rather of horror. How could he not understand? We had been dating for almost 4 years! He knew this about me. He knew I hated snow, and to be thrown down into wet muddy snow was the last thing in the world that was acceptable to me. The thoughts raced through my head. So, I did what any other sane person would do in this catastrophic situation.
I ripped him a new one.

That's right. I freaked out. I pretty much treated him like he just killed my cat. (I don't have a cat, nor do I like them, but I guess that's an expression people use for really bad things...) I yelled and screamed and yelled some more. "Don't you understand? Why in the world would you do that to me??" "I'm wet and cold and frustrated now, did you really think that was a good idea?!????" I even pulled out the "we were having such a good night and you pull something like this?!!" I'm pretty sure the neighbors were about to call 911.

Man, was I perturbed.

Perturbed was quite an understatement.

What did Bryan do? He looked at me like I was insane. Of course before he could say a word I responded to his glare..."Me, you think I'm crazy??? You just threw me in the snow!!!!!! You just seriously covered me in cold, wet snow....and you think I'm the insane one?!?"

We just looked at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity (a very wet eternity).

Then it hit me. I was insane. Did I really just freak out about being a little wet? Did I really just yell at my fiance because he was trying to be playful and enjoy a flirtatious moment with me. Did I really just verbally attack him for such an innocent, loving act?

But I was past the point of return.

I will be the first to admit that I'm terrible with apologies. I am working on it. I'm still not good. But back then, I wasn't even working on it. There was no way that after I freaked out I was about to back down and apologize. That would be admitting defeat.
Defeat is as bad as being wet.

Now I am wet and defeated. Embarrassed and cold.

The night was ruined. All my fault. I think Bryan even left right then and there, possibly without a goodbye. I don't remember exactly, but I remember it wasn't good.

So, what's the point? Why in the world did I just tell you all about how big of a jerk I was, over a little bit of wet snow?

Well, a few reasons. It helps me to see how ridiculous I was. It helps me to realize how far I've come. But most importantly, it helps me more than anything to remember to enjoy the moment.

Something about Christmas time can really stress a person out. All the shopping, and family, and getting everything done before the new year. It's just a little more than I can handle at times. But it's not supposed to be that way. It's the time of the year that you spend with family. It's the time of year for traditions and memories. It's about laughing and lovingly playing in the snow.

I would take it all back if I could. But we all know I can't do that. So instead, I will choose not to make that mistake again, and instead to remember to choose joy.

So, my Christmas thought of the day is this...

If there is anything I can do right this year it's that I will enjoy the moment. Even when my family is arguing. Even when I can't find that perfect gift for someone. Even when there is not enough time and I don't think I will ever catch up. Even when I am pushed to the ground by my husband and covered in wet, cold snow.

Especially when I am pushed to the ground by my husband and covered in wet, cold snow.

Enjoy this season, enjoy the moments, enjoy the cold, wet snow...

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