Thursday, February 6, 2014

When I decided to stop fitting them in...

Ellis is at this adorable age where he has learned to "take you" places. Instead of just whining about what he wants without having the words to tell you, he now grabs your finger, with his insanely cute little hand, and directs you to where he wants you to go. This started out very practical. When I wasn't sure what he wanted, I would say "show me" and he would. Then it turned into a way for him to get what he wants. All day long he's "taking me" to the stairs (you know, so he can go up and get his paci from his bedroom). Or "taking me" to the box of animal crackers in the kitchen. He thinks just because he can take me there means he gets what is at the destination. Not so much, kid. :)

I was having one of those mornings. As soon as I finished changing one diaper, the other needed changed. As I was feeding one kid the other was screaming for food. I apparently then turned on the wrong cartoon because someone was not pleased. Oh, and all this happened while my to-do list for work and home was staring me in the face. 

Not enough time in the day. 

Just a whirlwind. Not bad, just hectic. I finally got the right cartoon on (crisis averted), Ellis fed, Olive changed, and sat down to feed her. Then it happened...  "Lego, Legoooo LEGO!" (let's go) he screamed. Over and over. Pulling at my hand. After explaining I was feeding sis, he just got worse. My Lassie radar kicked in, thinking maybe something really was wrong and so I put O down and followed. 

He lead me to the dining room, pointed at the ceiling and laughed.  Then ran away.  

"Seriously Ellis, I don't have time for this..."

I stopped and in the foolishness of the moment was kicked in the gut.
I don't have time for this?

For this.

For my son?  He's learning, exploring, and developing the cutest little personality...and I apparently don't have time. I hate that I said it, but I'm also so glad that I did. 

Because then I was able to hear my ugliness loud and clear. 

In that moment I realized what I had been doing...trying to fit them into my schedule. Feeding and changing all those diapers that morning was a nuisance because I saw those things as getting in my way. I have gotten busier with my shop and blog and graphic design work and somehow in the mess of it all I treated my kids as the add-on. 

How fast can I feed and get Ellis down for a nap so that I can blog?  

If I swaddle Olive up tight she might sleep for another 20 minutes so that I can finish this design even though I know she's hungry...

I'm not perfect. And I never will be. But at that moment I decided to start being intentional.  I decided to stop fitting my kids into my life

... And remember that they are my life.  

Ellis didn't get it. He wasn't hurt by my words. But I was. I was broken. And so I apologized and asked him to forgive mama. He just looked at me and laughed. And then ran away to watch his cartoon.  
I took that as a yes.


  1. So true. Once I let go of my agenda I enjoy them so much better. :) kee truckin mama.

  2. Truth! Love reading your writing... you write everything my heart and mind think...


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